Jupiter suspended from planet list
AUGUST 30—Today, the Anti Drug Panel of the International Astronomical Union announced that it was suspending Jupiter from the list of planets after testing positive for steroid use.

Jupiter's A sample from a test in early August showed positive for two drugs known to bulk up size as well as a third drug judged likely to promote "red spots" where none would normally appear.

Yesterday, the testing from Jupiter's B sample came in with the same positive results.

"I'll tell you, it's a shock," said Saturn, the ringed planet who would take Jupiter's place as the largest planet in Sol's system if Jupiter is permanently kicked out of the recognized list of planets. "We all really thought Jupiter's accomplishments were achieved honestly."

Neptune was more blunt. "It's a stain on planets, that's what it is. Now, no one will be able to trust what a planet really is. People have accused me of faking my rings, and Jupiter's actions don't help."

Observers of the solar system noted that it is the first time a planet has been punished for cheating since Planet X was kicked out of Sol for taking a train instead of the normal elliptical orbit during the Great Race of 1913-15. Mercury won that race, as it has in all circuits since.

When asked if the IAU would reverse its decision on Pluto after the Jupiter scandal, IAU Director Jean-Marie Jean-Marie said, "No. Pluto's an itty-bitty thing smaller than the Eiffel Tower. No reversal. None. The decision's final." And promptly scurried behind the carpet, refusing to take any other questions.

Jupiter's agent disputed the results and said Jupiter would appeal the decision.